Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Flawed

The other day, a friend posted this quote on facebook:

"Here's the thing about flaws - once you learn to accept yours, they can't be used against you."

I know, I know.  Inspirational/insightful quotes on facebook are lame. Except I don't think they are.  I rather enjoy them.  So maybe that's one of my flaws.  Go ahead and judge me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this quote. Particularly as it relates to people who have left my life over the years as the result of something they didn't like about me. One of my flaws, I guess.  It's never easy to lose people, and I always take it personally, wondering what I could have done or how I could change to make them still like me.  

I know, I know.  You can't make people like you.  Or at least you shouldn't have to try to.  But I still do.  I like being liked.  I dislike being disliked.  And I hate being hated.  

I wish I could just shrug and say, "Fuck the haters."  And sometimes I do say that.  But I don't really mean it.  

I know it's impossible for everyone to like me, and I know I have my flaws.  Allow me to list them for you:

++ I am overly sensitive.
I am an empath.  I feel emotions very strongly -- mine and those of the people around me.  When I am hurting, I hurt very deeply.  When I am overjoyed, I am practically delirious.  If you've seen me in this state (it's rare), consider yourself fortunate.  When someone is hurting, I hurt for them.  When someone is so genuinely happy they are radiating, I feel that too.  It's a blessing and a curse, I guess.  On one hand, it helps me relate to people and be a better friend. But mostly it's a curse because most people cannot handle the rollercoaster that is my emotions.

++ I am self-deprecating.
I say terrible things about myself.  And it's not that I always believe them.  But I believe other people are thinking them, and I figure I'll get myself before they get me.  I don't want them to have the satisfaction of throwing out the judgment, so I just do it myself. I will undersell/discredit myself before you do.

++ I am dramatic.
An optimist would call it passionate or maybe even fiery (probably because I'm a ginger). But, really, I am dramatic. I react emotionally and often without pause.  I've learned to control these reactions a little over time.  But occasionally, I fail and just let my true feelings show.  

++ I am stubborn.
When I say I'm going to do something, I will do it.  If say I don't like something, you likely won't convince me to try it (unless I really admire you or trust you for whatever reason).  If I want to go to something, I will buy a ticket and go by myself if no one wants to go with me.

++ I am insecure.
I am easily convinced that people don't like me. In fact, I automatically assume they don't when we first meet. And then it's my job to win them over.  Which isn't really something I'm good at.  I need clear signs that people like me and appreciate me.  If I'm not getting them, I'm convinced the people hate me or don't care about me.

++ I am clean, but I am not particularly tidy.
I let dishes sit in my sink (at least rinsed) for a few days at a time. I only sort my mail when it starts taking over my kitchen counter.  My bed is only made if I just changed the sheets or am expecting company (particularly my mom ... she IS tidy).  My bathroom counter is littered with all the products I use on a daily basis.  Why put them away if I'm just going to use them again in a few hours? There is cat hair everywhere in my apartment. No matter how often I vacuum or use the lint roller on the furniture, traces of Cleo and Casey are still there.  Which leads to my next flaw ...

++ I am an unabashed cat lady.
My cats are stubborn, bitchy, ungrateful, and snotty little animals.  But I love them anyway.  I love their independence and their "I'll do what I want and you will live with it" attitude.  I don't get nearly as many snuggles from them as I'd like, but I cannot imagine life without them.  They have middle names, birthdays, adoptiversaries, and I talk to them daily.  I won't apologize for any of that.  I love them and I will be inconsolable when the time comes for them to leave me.

++ I am a hopeless romantic.
I know the love stories in books, movies, TV shows, and love songs are not real.  But I have to believe they're based in some reality.  That at some point in life, I will feel all the things I've read and heard about.  I know it won't always be "rainbows and butterflies" (thanks, Maroon 5), but I hold onto the hope that I will find a relationship with someone who gets me (or at least tries to). Someone I want to call immediately with good news or know I can lean on when things are bad.  Someone who thinks my friends are crazy and dysfunctional, but loves them anyway.  Someone who will go see Tim Stop with me for the 56th time (I'm more than halfway there) even if he'd rather be a metal show.  Someone who will watch a Texas Rangers game with me even if he thinks baseball is the most boring sport on the planet.  Someone who introduces me to things he likes with such a passion that I want to do those things with him (even if I don't love them the same).  Yeah, I'm a dreamer.  But I'm fine with holding onto my heart (and a lot of other pieces of me) until I find this. 

So there. I'm owning my flaws.  Now, they can't be used against me. 

Well, I'm sure they still will be used against me.  But maybe it'll hurt less. At least a little.  

I am still an over-sensitive soul after all.

 

4 comments:

  1. I love that quote and I'm a huge inspirational quote person…so I am right there with you! What a real, raw and beautiful post. I too let dishes sit in the sink; if every dish was always clean or properly stored, I'd go crazy!!

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  2. I'm also clean, and neat too, but not particularly tidy. I don't know why I think neat and tidy aren't synonyms here. "Neat" means everything has its place, but "tidy" means putting things in that place ALL THE TIME. Definitely not tidy. Anyway…accepting flaws seems to get harder as we get older. If only because I always assumed my flaws would start going away.

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  3. I like that quote too. My attitude toward inspirational facebook quotes directly corresponds to my feelings regarding the person that posted it. If the person annoys me, the quote does too. That's one of my flaws. ;-)

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  4. I'm a people pleaser, so I get really upset when someone doesn't like me or says something about me that changes how I view my entire life. It's nuts. That quote is good, and I'll remember it, but it's hard to stick to it.

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