Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Not ready for the next step

Is it possible to be truly over someone and yet still have a hard time seeing them move forward?

I pondered that question a lot over the weekend.  For some reason, a former crush drifted to the forefront of my thoughts on Sunday. When I was in like with him, I was in it deep.  Just the mention of his name made me feel all warm inside.  When he made it clear his feelings were not the same as mine, it took me awhile to recover.  I went through a lot of wine and ice cream.

The pain resurfaced when I learned he was getting married. Nausea may have accompanied the news. Don't get me wrong, I'd given up on ever being with him.  I'd long since decided that we wouldn't have been right for each other (butterflies and some common interests are not enough). But somehow, it still irked me a little that he was exchanging vows with someone.  Someone who was not me.  Again, I turned to some comfort foods.  I even made sure I was very busy the weekend of his nuptials so I didn't have too much time to think about it.

So he's married now, and has been for awhile.  It still bothers me a little.  This weekend, it hit me that I need to get used to it.  I'm trying.  But then I realized the next step (for most couples) is procreation. I'm definitely not prepared to handle that.  And there's no way I could avoid that news.  We have mutual friends, and I know the word would get back to me.  Maybe I should make sure I have Ben & Jerry's on hand at all times.

So the question remains -- can I honestly say I'm over him if these things bother me?  And is it him or something else entirely that's bothering me?

1 comment:

  1. I know that with certain ex of mine a few years back, I heard that a year after we broke up, he was engaged--to a married woman! Who was twice his age! Man, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Like someone just eviscerated me. I thought I was over him, I had already started dating again and hadn't thought of him in a long long time.

    But knowing he had moved on ... and in a BIG, life-changing way, and I hadn't been that lucky yet, it made me mad. I think part of it was that it ended badly, and without proper closure. But I thought I wasn't mad at him anymore, and it turns out I was just suppressing the anger. I wasn't shocked out of jealousy, but out of what I perceived to be an injustice in the 'bad' emotionally unavailable person finding love and me who puts herself out there and is a loving, caring person barely dating again. But life is that way sometimes, I guess. Hard to swallow but nobody said it would always be fair.

    Of course, when I found out later that they broke up and she went back to her husband ... I wasn't exactly sad about it. :)

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