Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Am I just numb now?

Ok, so I wanted to stop "counting on disaster" (thanks Curtis Peoples), so I've convinced myself to believe (most of the time) that I don't want a relationship or any dating or any kind of mushy feelings of any kind.  Sometimes, I have moments of weakness, but I usually snap right out of it after no more than a few hours.  Fortunately before I can get to a computer and set up an online dating profile.  *Whew*  Not going into that world ever again.

But I'm starting to worry that maybe I've hardened my heart a little too much.  Need some evidence to support this?  Ok.

Exhibit A:  I watched "Love Story" over the weekend for my "Year of Movies" project.  It's supposed to be a tear-jerker.  I never once even got misty-eyed.  I rolled my eyes a lot, but no moisture.  This movie didn't move me at all except to be sort of underwhelmed by the so-called "heartthrob" of the film. Not buying it.

Exhibit B:  I saw a former crush recently.  One who gave me butterflies as recently as earlier this summer.  What happened when I saw him?  Nothing.  I had no desire to really even talk to him.  I suddenly wondered why I had ever found him attractive, even though he hasn't changed a bit since I first saw him and he turned me to mush in an instant. 

Exhibit C:  I ran into the cute Coca-Cola delivery guy last week.  I mean, school's back in session, I knew our schedules would coordinate again.  It used to thrill me so much to see him.  Last week?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  This was a guy I used to circle the block three times just to look at (I swear I'm not a creeper).  I felt nothing when I saw him last week.


Now, I can report with some optimism that I got excited over some eye candy on TV this weekend.  Nothing major, but more than I got over former crush or Coke Boy.  So, maybe I'm not completely immune to attractive guys, but there's definitely been some change in me.

I haven't yet decided if I'm ok with that.  It sure could save me a lot of disappointment and hurt.  On the other hand, there was a decided joy in having a crush, even if it was an eye candy affair only.  I suppose I'll kind of miss that even if I won't miss the crushing blows of rejection (real or imagined).

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