Sunday, November 14, 2010

30 Days of Truth -- Day 3: Forgiving Myself

Day 3: Something You Need to Forgive Yourself For

My life changed pretty drastically in the spring of 2006.  That sounds really dramatic, but from my perspective, it's the truth.

On March 10, 2006, I went to a Trent Willmon concert at Billy Bob's with my friend, Amy. We even got to meet Trent before the great show. Amy wasn't feeling well, so we found a seat instead of trying to stand in the general admission section.  And instead of staying for another round of drinks, we headed home early.

I talked to her on AIM the next day, as I did every day.  She still wasn't feeling well.  She assumed it was her allergies kicking in (typical for Texas in March) and said the medication her doctor had given her wasn't working.  She talked about going to the ER, but I thought that was a little extreme and said maybe she just needed some rest. She agreed and said she'd wait until Monday to call her doctor.

She didn't make it to Monday. 

Sometime after we both said "talk to you later" on AIM, Amy went to bed and quietly passed away in her sleep. I got the news late Sunday afternoon, and the week that followed is a complete blur. I really don't remember much except for her funeral service. I don't know how I got anything done at work.  Fortuntately, my boss and co-workers were really understanding.

An autopsy later showed Amy died of natural causes. I still don't like that verdict.  She was 29, and aside from asthma and allergies, she was a pretty healthy young woman. 

It's been four and a half years, but I can't stop wondering if I failed her as a friend? Should I have urged her to go to the ER that night we chatted on AIM for the last time?  I don't know if it would have made a difference, but what if it had?  What if the ER doctors would have discovered why she was feeling so awful and gotten her the right treatment? Maybe if I'd believed how bad she felt and supported her idea to go to the ER, she might still be here today. I might still have her as a friend. I might even still be living in Texas. And she'd get to watch her nephew and niece grow up and see her beloved Rangers play in the World Series. But I didn't, and she's not, and I still feel like I should have been able to change that.

1 comment:

  1. Micah-- wow. You never could have known she was going to pass. (i'm sure a lot of people have said that to you.) but that is a LOT of responsibility on yourself. Which is not your fault, you did everything right, and I'm sure Amy does not blame you. I wish I was more eloquent with my words, but I wanted to send you some love.

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