Friday, December 31, 2010

Excerpts from my teenage diary - part 4

I debated for a long time whether to post this final year in my diary.  It was a very emotional year centered on one of the biggest crushes of my life.  (Then again, my life seemed to revolve around crushes back then --- I wish I could go back and change that.) Even 15 years later, I could feel my heart soaring and breaking as I re-read the highs and lows in these entries. Obviously, I've decided to share them, and I will continue to conceal the names of the guilty even though those who knew me back then undoubtedly know exactly who I'm referring to in these entries. 

July 21, 1995
I've had a pretty boring day except for going golfing tonight with my parents and their friends. Yesterday (my b-day) was a disappointing day. The few people that remembered my b-day lif far away. Amy, Alicia, Jennifer, Britt and Lali are the only ones who remembered. I couldn't believe [best friend] didn't even remember. Of course, what did I expect?! That she'd send me [crush a] in the mail?  I wish!

July 29, 1995
Today was kinda fun. I had [best friend] over last night and we had a blast. Then today, she talked to [girls' names] and hardly talked to me at all. She hung all over [boy's name]. Not that I'm jealous. I just don't like that she throws herself at guys. Of course, there were a few good moments in the day. I saw [crush a]. Oh, he looked so fine. He didn't even seem to notice me. He waved to [best friend] (at least that's what she said). I don't know what to do. 

August 31, 1995
I can't believe my best friend is stabbing me in the back. She and another close friend of mine. They've stolen my seven-year crush. [Best friend] flirted and flirted, and [friend] persuaded him, and [crush a] asked [best friend] to homecoming. I'm hurt. But the worst part is that they didn't even tell me. I had to find out from listening in on [boy's name] and [friend] conversation at a volleyball game. I was so hurt, I cried all the way home from the volleyball game. I don't know how I'll make it through school tomorrow.

September 2, 1995
We won our football game last night vs. E-NP! 27-12! Yea!! I'm still very hurt about [best friend] and [crush a]. He is my first love and I'll never get over him. I've decided not to go to the homecoming dance. Amy S. and I are going back to her house to watch movies for the night. Fun, huh? I just don't think I would have been able to make it  through the dance. Seeing [crush a] and [best friend] together would make me cry. No matter what I tell anyone, I'll never be over him.

September 23, 1995
There's a song on that reminds me of [crush a]. "You have the Right" by Perfect Stranger. It's a really sad song. I feel like I'm going to cry. [best friend] and [crush a] are going out now. That really hurts because I have to see them together all the time and she talks about him all the time. I love him so much. I don't know if I'll ever get over him. Well, anyway, I've had an okay week. We beat CWL 45-20! Yea! We're 4-0 for the first time ever. We set a school record.

September 26, 1995
I'm starting to have feelings for [crush g]. When I see him, I can't keep my eyes off of him. I don't know why I'm attracted to him. Maybe it's because of his musical ability. I think mainly it's because he controls things -- people follow him. His power is someting I lack. He's pretty cute though too. His eyes are amazing.

September 30, 1995
Okay, so it's official. I really like [crush g]. We lost our football game to W-SR las tnight, but he had a really awesome tackle. No one else could get this one guy down, and he grabbed him and and threw him. I was so proud of him. I keep having daydreams about [crush g] and I love them. I doubt he'll ever like me but at least I can hope. Maybe someday it'll come true.

October 3, 1995
I want to talk to [crush g] but I'm really scared to. I'm afraid he'll shoot me down and I'll get another broken heart on top of being humiliated. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to smile at him, say "hi" once in awhile and see if [friend] will have [friend's boyfriend] talk to him. Or maybe [crush g] and I just weren't meant to be together. I want him so bad but I'm sure I'll never get him.

October 10, 1995
[crush g] now knows I like him. [friend's boyfriend] told him. Here's what happened: [friend] told [friend's boyfriend] to talk to [crush g], so he did - in the middle of band! [friend's boyfriend] told [crush g] to guess who liked him. [crush g] didn't want to guess, so [friend's boyfriend] just told him. According to [friend], [crush g] jsaid, "Oh she does?" I guess he was somewhat surprised. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I hope so. Tonight [crush g] waved to me! [friend] and [friend] were with me and let me tell you, they were more excited than I was. Also, I forgot two of my cassette tapes in the weight room, and when I went back to get them, [crush g] had one of them. He was gonna keep it! Oh well, I got it back from him. I had to ask for it. I'm so crazy about him right now.

October 13, 1995
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, and I'm really scared something bad will happen to me or someone I know. I guess I'll have to try to relax and not think about it. I really hope [crush g] likes me, but I don't think he does. It's been almost three days since he found out I like him and he hasn't said a word to me. The other day, [friend's boyfriend] said to me, "It'll all work out, trust me." I wasn't sure what he meant but [friend] said maybe he knows something I don't. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.  Wouldn't it be weird if [crush g] asked me out on Friday the 13th?

October 23, 1995
I'm still not sure whether [crush g] likes me or not. All my friends think he does, but I'm not that sure. He stares at me every once in awhile but he never says anything to me. I like him a lot. This Friday is Parents' Night and I get to hug him (the cheerleaders get to hug the senior football players and give them a rose). All the cheerleaders know I like him, and they don't want to hug him so they're letting me! What gr-8 friends! I can't wait to hug him. Of course I'll probably be shaking really bad. He'll probably be embarassed that I'll hug him because a lot of people know I like him and they'll probably say something or "woo" really loud. I know I'd turn red if they did that.

October 24, 1995
It's now been two weeks since [crush g] found out I like him. And he still hasn't shown any interest in me!!!!! [best friend] is going to ask [girl] to say something cause [crush g] and her are pretty good friend since [girl] is kind of going out with [crush g's friend]. I'm not sure [girl] will though. I hate [boy] so much! Today, he told the entire biology class (including Mr. Dedic) that I like [crush g]. I hope no one says anything to [crush g]. I already feel bad that he has to be embarassed by me liking him. Poor [crush g]. He doesn't deserve this, but I like him so much. I'm nervous about hugging him Friday. I don't really know what I'm afraid of, but I am. I hope no one thinks I set it up.

October 26, 1995
Things with [crush g] are the same as ever except that [crush g's friend] is behind me now too. He told [crush g] that he should talk to me. I really hope he takes [crush g's friend's] advice because I like [crush g] a lot and I really want to get together with him. I think [another crush g's friend] and [friend's boyfriend] are talking to him too, but I don't know.

October 28, 1995
I went to the dance tonight, but I didn't have very much fun. [crush g] would even look at me. He danced with two other girls, but never with me. I probably should have asked him, but I don't have the nerve. I cried all the way home and more after I got home. I like [crush g] more than I liked [crush a] and right now my heart is breaking. Why doesn't [crush g] like me?

November 3, 1995
Tonight I went out with Teresa, Jeremy, Cory and Amy. We went to see "Powder" and then went to Applebee's. I tried to call [crush g] and invite him, but unfortunately he wasn't home. I wonder would he would've said if he was home...hmm.

November 10, 1995
Today was a very sad day at school. Two boys were in a car accident last night. One is fine, but the other isn't so lucky. He's had two operations today and the doctors aren't sure he'll make it. Even if he does, he may not live a normal life. He has two bruises on his brain, a shattered knee, a broken leg, a broken arm, and a punctured spleen and kidney. Everyone was crying practically all day. It was horrible.

November 17, 1995
Today we went to watch the football playoffs at the UNI Dome. I had so much fun. Four guys hit on me, one from Bedford and three from LaSalle. Although I was flattered, I'm too hung up on [crush g] to flirt with anyone else. Speaking of [crush g], some good things happened with him. My friends told me he was watching me all day. Yea! I know they wouldn't lie.

November 20, 1995
Today [crush g] and I got engaged. Well, not really. You see [crush g] wants [girl] to stop liking him. Some friends of ours made up the story that [crush g] and I were engaged. Now both of us are playing along. [best friend] said that when she asked [crush g] if he was going to play along, he said, "Of course" and then smiled. She thinks he likes me. Lots of people like that. I hope it's true.

November 30, 1995
A lot has happened in the past 10 days. Tuesday night was the winter sports preview. We cheerleaders did pretty good. I think [crush g] did awesome. After that, there was a play. I was okay, except no one knew their lines. [crush g] sat next to me. Tomorrow, I'm going to a speech festival at UNI. We have to leave at 7:15 a.m, which means I have to get up at 5:30. Ugh.

December 16, 1995
My life's pretty gr-8 right now. Last night, we had a dance. [best friend] and [crush g's friend] asked [crush g] if he was going to dance with me, and he said he would. Then, when [best friend] said, "She's sitting over there." He said, "Duh, I know that already." Later, the song "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal came on and he started towards me. He said, "So do you wanna go out?" (on the dance floor) I kind of nodded and got off the counter I was sitting on. Then he took my hand and led me to a spot on the floor. We were next to [crush g's friend] and [girl], [best friend] and [crush a] and a few other couples. All of them kept giving us looks like, "Oh my gosh they're actually dancing together." I could not look him in the face, but [best friend] said he stared at me throughout the whole song. I wish the soung would've lasted forever (and it is a long song), but unfortunately it didn't and we went our separate ways. I went over and sat by friends for the rest of the night. I had the hugest grin on my face for the rest of the night. I was so happy. He didn't ask me again, but he didn't dance with anyone else either. I wish I knew what was going through his head. I really don't know if I was thinking at all. He smelled really good, and I loved being that close to him. The skin at the back of his neck (where my hands were) was really soft. [best friend] said his hands were really low on my back, but I told her I didn't care. It was one of the most memorable times in my life. That song will never sound the same to me. I will probalby never be able to see him in the same way either after being that close to him. Everyone was really happy for me and smiled at me on the dance floor while I was with him.

January 1, 1996
It's a new year, and as I've said before, anything can happen. Not much more has happened with [crush g] though. [crush g's friends] are still working on him. Two of his friends talked to him just before he asked me to dance. Apparently he needed a pep talk. I can't wait to see him tomorrow at school. I hope the new year brings me some happiness. A lot of people want [crush g] and me to get together, but I know it won't happen unless it's what he wants.

February 4, 1996
Not a whole lot is new between [crush g] and me. I still love him and still haven't talked to him. Friday, [best friend] bet me $1 he would talk to me. During lunch, I was talking to someone else and he came over and said, "Hey Micah, how's it goin'?" But Of course I didn't hear him. All of my friends were totally spazzing out though, and [best friend] got her money even though I didn't hear him. [crush g's friends] were talking to him about prom. One friend told [best friend] that [crush g] is planning on asking me to prom. I hope he does. I don't care so much about prom itself, but I'd just be happy to be with him.

April 4, 1996
So much has changed. I'm over [crush g]. He asked someone else to prom. Of course. Why did I even let myself believe he would ask me? I'm never getting my hopes up about someone again.

June 20, 1996
When I said I was over [crush g], that was a lie. I love him with all my heart. Today, I saw him for the first time since June 5. I missed him so much. I don't know how I'll survive when he goes to college. I guess he'll always have a place in my heart. I doubt I'll ever love anyone else this way again. I don't think I have that much in me. It's all for him.

Whew.  There were a lot of events that didn't get documented in my diary, but I still remember them very well.  I think this was a very formative year for me. I still don't completely trust my feelings or believe someone I like could reciprocate. Undoubtedly, that is one thing really holding me back, and I'll have to keep working on that if I ever hope to find real love --- because what I felt for Crush G was not real, but it certainly felt as real as can be at the time.  I know I deserve more though.

This is my final installment of this series.  Here's to letting go of the past.  It couldn't be more appropriate to post this on New Year's Eve of 2010.

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