Almost a flutter

Remember this post?  

Yeah.  

Be careful what you send out into the universe.  Sometimes it answers.

OK.  Enough being vague, right?  Just spit it out.

I HAVE A CRUSH.

First of all, no, I'm not too old to have a crush.  I don't think you ever outgrow that potential.  Sure the word sounds juvenile, but the feeling is so much fun, why should we give it up with age?

Now, let's get down to details.  Well, not really.  You're not getting a lot of info.  Sorry.  I would prefer to keep his identity a secret (although I have talked to a few people about him ... I trust them).  But I will tell you how much I love and missed this feeling.

I haven't had a true crush in a very long time.  This is quite unusual for me -- I've always been so boycrazy that I often had multiple crushes at the same time during high school and college.  The last true crush I had was probably five years ago.  Oh man.  I was so enamored with him.  Some of those memories still make me smile.  And the mention or sight of him still gives me butterflies.  But, he told me "no thanks," and is no longer available.   Even though the guy was nice about his rejection, it still hurt.  Bad.  No amount of wine or Ben & Jerry's fixed it.  Baseball helped a little ... even though it sort of reminded me of him sometimes.  Just when I was starting to feel better, I learned he was engaged, and the pain was fresh again.  I spent the next few months in a bit of a haze.

I think a part of me shut down after that.

Since then, I've developed fascinations with a few other guys, but they never really became more than eye candy (which is also really nice).  I honestly think part of the reason is because I was afraid of going through the pain of rejection again.

Maybe I'm ready again.  I don't know.  But this guy has caught my eye and definitely set something stirring within me.

Oh boy. 

It started out as eye candy, when I noticed him a few weeks ago.  Our paths have crossed a few more times, and I've become more and more intrigued by him.

Oh boy.  

Last night, on a whim, I returned to an online dating site (and immediately wondered if I should have). Guess who I found in a search?  Yep.  He's on there.  His profile reveals we might have some issues of incompatibility (political beliefs), but there were several other things that made me like him more.

Oh boy.  

He has been upgraded to crush.  I want to know more.  I want him to know me. (He's aware of my existence, but I don't think he's really noticed me).  I'm not quite at butterflies stage yet, but this has the potential.

Oh boy.

I don't know if I'm going to contact him or not (although he'll be able to see that I've looked at his profile).  I really don't know if I'm ready for another round of rejection.  Right now, he's safe.  He can't reject me.  He can't hurt me.  He just gives me nothing but good feelings, and I don't know if I'm ready to let go of that.

What if this is all I'll ever have?  The rush of optimism, the daydreams, the butteflies and everything else that comes with a crush.  I love feeling this way, and I don't want to lose it.