Thursday, July 28, 2011

Worries and the wonder of music

I don't often worry about my relationship status.  Mostly because I know worrying about it won't change it.  And also because most of the time, I don't mind being single.  I like my alone time; I prefer it sometimes.

But every now and then, the reality of my singleness sneaks up on me.  It certainly did last week, as my birthday rolled through. I had a moment where I thought to myself, "I'm 31, and I've still never been in love or had someone be in love with me." I guess I still have that notion in my head that certain things should happen to people by the time they reach a particular age, and I worry that I'm too old to have not had some of these experiences.  I know it's silly.  I also know a lot of it is my fault -- life choices and shyness make dating a tougher battle for me than for others -- but I still freaked out.  I may have even beat myself up for a little while, questioning decisions I've made in the past -- people I've pushed away, chances I didn't take, beliefs/standards I hold onto, etc. I worry that I'm some kind of freak and there's no way I'll ever find someone.

Thank goodness for the music. Music always saves me.  This song came on a random shuffle that afternoon, and it could not have fit more perfectly. 

 Yes.  Thank you, Nathan Angelo.  Thank you for being in my collection and singing what I needed to hear.

Someday soon -- whether it's a month or a year or five years from now -- I will find what I want and what I deserve.  At least that's what I'm telling myself this week. And it's what I'm having the music tell me.

I think this is the most emo post I've written since I started this blog, and to be honest, I wrestled with the decision of posting it.  I worried about how it would be perceived. I know there are people who have much bigger problems than this. I know it's a lame thing to get upset about, especially compared to what some of my friends are going through. But I still feel what I feel. I won't apologize for that.  I don't always feel this way, but I think it's important to let the feeling play out when I do.  And I'm trying to remain true to the name of this blog -- Unabashedly Me -- and be completely honest in my posts.  Admittedly, I've guarded my emotions a bit to this point, and I will continue to do so, to an extent.  There aren't many people who are privy to everything I'm thinking and feeling.  Honestly, now that I stop to think about it, I'm not sure anyone has that kind of access to me these days.  There are just some things better kept inside, although I will continue to share plenty on here.  Many thanks to those who read.

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