Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Where my head is ...

I debated for a long time whether or not to post this.  I like to be my authentic self on here, but I'm always afraid of getting too personal.  Why?  Because that means I've let my guard down. I've opened up a little bit more of myself to be judged. And I'm afraid of being judged.  Everyone says that at some point in your life, you stop caring what other people think of you.  Well, I'm still waiting to get there.  And I honestly don't know if I ever will.  I think part of me will always care about what other people think of me.  But maybe I'll get better at pretending.  Maybe.

 Anyhow. Let's get to it.

I've been in a real funk for the past several weeks.  It started just before Christmas, when I was rejected from a job I really wanted.  I felt like it was the perfect fit for me, and I believed it would be the end of my two-month unemployment. I was wrong.

And now the three-month mark of unemployment is upon me.  I honestly didn't think I'd reach this point.  I truly believed that when I lost my job, it was for a reason.  A reason that would be revealed to me swiftly and that I'd be starting the new year with a new chapter of my professional life.  But I'm not.

I'm stuck.

My daily routine looks a little like this --- sleep way later than I intended (because what's the point of getting up early?), have breakfast while I watch crappy daytime TV, search job sites for about thirty minutes (maybe longer if I actually find something that strikes my interest), read blogs, check up on facebook and Twitter, have lunch, watch more mindless TV until I can convince myself to work out, take a shower, watch more TV, stalk more people on the internet, go to bed no earlier than 1 a.m. Repeat.

Sounds like a blast, huh?

It was nice for about a week.  Maybe two.  But then I got bored.  I remained in really good spirits until that last rejection just before Christmas.  I knew job postings and interviews would slow down over the holidays, so I knew the next few weeks would be bleak.  I didn't know how quickly my mood and spirits would change.  I was fine when I had holiday stuff to look forward to.  But now ... there's really not much on the horizon to keep me going.

Every day is the same.  I can't go anywhere because my funds are limited.  I only leave the house to get groceries and go to yoga class (once a week).  The only human contact I have is through my phone, the computer and the occasional random lunchtime movie date (thanks Amanda!).  Other than that, it's me and the cats.  Every day.  I'm an introvert, but the isolation is definitely getting to me.

It's more than that though.  My layoff and subsequent job rejections have me doubting everything I once believed about myself.  

Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer.  
Maybe I majored in the completely wrong thing in college.
Maybe I wasted more than ten years in that profession.  
Maybe I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.  
Maybe I have no employable skills at all.

Obviously, I don't fully believe any of those statements are true, but I am feeling very uncertain about my future, which is making me question my past and very unsettled about my present.

What could I have done differently to not be here?  
Where did I screw up?
How can I fix this?
Where do I go from here?

In the past week, I realize I've wavered back and forth between depression and anxiety.  There hasn't been much middle ground, and it's been exhausting. And frustrating.

I feel like my life is on hold.  And I hate it.  I hate every moment of it.  I'm supposed to be moving forward, not standing still.  It's actually starting to feel like I'm going backwards.

It's become so frustrating, I had to take a break from all social media. I actually didn't look at Facebook or Twitter from Thursday night until Monday morning.  I needed a break from people.  I needed a break from seeing that other people are moving on with their lives -- finding new loves, getting promotions, planning weddings, preparing for a new baby, planning exciting vacations, etc.  I found it hard to be happy for other people while I'm stuck in my rut, and so I had to walk away.

And then I felt bad for doing that.  Because I'm not a Bitter Betty.  That's not me.  That's not who I want to be.  I want to be happy for my friends. And I know there are many people in much worse situations than I'm in.  But that doesn't make me feel any better.

And obviously even the people posting good news on social media probably have some issue they're not sharing. We all have problems.  I know I'm really blessed, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 

I'm done with the pity party (I think), and I'm trying to focus on things I can do to help people around me and make their day better.  Because I do believe in karma. I believe that when you put good out into the universe, eventually it comes back to you in some form.  God knows I need some good karma right now.  And I need to make an effort to have some human contact so I don't go completely crazy.

So ... yeah ... this is where I am right now.

Thanks to all those who checked up on me via various communication channels.  I am okay, and someday soon, hopefully I'll be great again.

Oh, and thanks for the inspiration for the post title, Andy Davis.  Love you.


  1. There is just something better out there. That is all. Something much better! You will find it soon! Faith!

  2. This was good, I'm glad you decided to post it! As you are well aware, sometimes writing out how you are feeling is the best thing a person can do. You are like me, it's easier to write it all down than to say it.

    Just letting you know I love you girl!! I know it doesn't feel like it, but we've all been there. We've all been "in a rut" and felt like nothing was going to go our way ever again. It will pass, I promise!

    And you are TOTALLY meant to be a writer! I am anxiously awaiting chapter 9. :)

    I hope things turn around real quick for you. I'm here if you need to talk (or text- because like I said, sometimes it's easier to write it out).


  3. Sorry to hear about your being in a funk, things will get better eventually. I really like your quote thing - that has been a pet peeve of mine forever, when people try to make you feel guilty for feeling sad or whatever because it isn't the saddest thing happening at any given moment. That doesn't make it good! Hopefully writing out your feelings helped you to feel a bit better. I wish you all the best!

  4. my comment may be a novel...
    I am really sorry that you are facing this right now, but know that a lot of people have been where you have been and you WILL get through it. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're still so far in the whole, but things always have a way of bouncing back, and in a few months when things ARE good again, you'll be able to look back at this time and appreciate the great in your life so much more.
    I was miserable at my last job and had a boss that would berate me constantly and yelled all the time. It was horrible. I applied for what I thought was my dream job. DREAM. I even offered to take a paycut, that's how badly I wanted it. I knew it was the perfect job for me. And I didn't get it. I was so heartbroken, I cried. I was miserable. TO me, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, just misery. A few months later, I landed the job I have now and I'm thrilled! Not only is my pay way better than what it would have been at my last job, but there is so much room for advancement. I love my job now. And I think how lucky I was that I didn't get the last job I wanted.
    That being said, I think you need to get out of your house more. Can you find one of those meetup groups to join? A library book club? A young adults church group if you're religious (even if you're not uber religious, I find churches are great for social activities!)? A local fitness group through Craigslist? A networking group even through your local Chamber of Commerce!
    And also what about applying for short jobs through odesk or problogger? I think you need to find something that gives you a purpose. In most cases where people are unhappy it's because they feel like they don't have a purpose, something that makes them feel like they're contributing to society. Heck, become a pet sitter! anything short term to get you out of the house and out of your funk! Put some pep in yo step! :P hugs to you!

  5. I'm so sorry about your funk and your job situation. I know that you're going to get through this and come out stronger on the other side. sucks now. I'll say a prayer for you!


  6. Glad you posted this!! I'm sure it was cathartic to write it all out. I know how frustrating and demoralizing unemployment can be, but you are capable and awesome. An employer will figure that out soon! :)

  7. I'm sorry that you're in a funk and that you didn't get the job you really wanted. I was there once too, and it was SO difficult at the time. Just know that things may turn around when you least expect it, so just keep yourself open to any opportunities that may come your way. You rock and you're going to land something great soon!!

  8. What you described was what the last year was like for me with Scott deployed. I mean, I had a job (that was sometimes the cause of my stress/anxiety) but the weekends and summer? Exactly what you described. Life on hold.

    So while I can't say I know exactly how you feel, I definitely lived like that for 10 1/2 months (and then 4 months 2 years ago WITHOUT a job). So I do understand.

    Things have to turn around at some point. They just do.

    I'm reading The Happiness Project. I really love it and recommend it.

  9. i know exactly how you feel love! we are truly blessed though, and i really hope you feel better!! I have something for your package that will hopefully cheer you up (at least for that day!) lol hold your head up high, and don't give up!!!!

  10. The local library sometimes has job postings for work in the area (not just the library). There should also be a state or local center where those who have been laid off can go for resume/interviewing help and job listings. See if your college career center helps alumni. There is another old saying - when one door closes, another one opens. It is just finding that new door.


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