Body talk

The other night, Upworthy posted this graphic:

[source]

I support it wholly.  I completely believe people should wear whatever they want, free of judgment.  Unfortunately, that's not the society we live in. Don't believe me?  Have you been on social media during an awards show lately?  People are always commenting about what women are wearing -- they're either too fat or they "need to eat a cheeseburger."  That is not fashion commentary ... that is bodyshaming. Pure and simple. And we don't need it.

I must confess, however, that I don't actually practice what I preach.  The only difference is my comments are rarely out loud and they're never directed at other people.

I haven't owned or worn a bikini since I was probably four years old.  In fact, there was a solid six-year gap where I didn't even own a bathing suit at all.  Why not? I didn't feel like it was a worthy investment because I knew I wouldn't wear it in public.  "No one wants to see this," I told myself.

And I'm still telling myself that.  But I'm trying not to.  It's a tough battle.  But I'm determined to win. Someday.

Step one is that battle is coming up in the next few weeks. As I've mentioned on here a few times, I'm doing a boudoir shoot.

When I first told my friends I wanted to do this, I received some mixed reactions.  A few thought it was cool, but most did not.  There was a lot of "why would you do that?" And I understand that curiosity.  I don't have a significant other (so ... no one to give the photos to).  Also, I'm A LOT less experienced in the bedroom than most of my friends, so I think they just don't think of me as sexy or sexual in any way.  Hearing I wanted to be photographed while wearing next to nothing was weird to them.

OK. I get it, I guess. I mean, it kind of hurts, but ... I get it.

But you know what?

The shoot isn't about sex. The shoot isn't about some guy.

It's about feeling comfortable in my own skin --- something I really need. It's about me.

I'm excited about it and nervous all at the same time.

I still have those same thoughts plaguing my mind:
"Who wants to see this?" 
"If I could only lose a little in this area ..."
"If only my skin didn't bunch like this."

I don't expect this shoot to be some magic experience that suddenly makes me accept my body as it is, but I do think it's a step in the right direction. 

Until I love who I am, I know no one else can either. I think I'm worthy of having someone love me, but first I need to convince myself that I'm worthy of my own love.  It's not as easy as a few quotes on Pinterest or even some kind words from other people.  It's a battle ... one I've been fighting for a long time, but like I said earlier, I'll keep on fighting it.