Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Body talk

The other night, Upworthy posted this graphic:

[source]
I support it wholly.  I completely believe people should wear whatever they want, free of judgment.  Unfortunately, that's not the society we live in. Don't believe me?  Have you been on social media during an awards show lately?  People are always commenting about what women are wearing -- they're either too fat or they "need to eat a cheeseburger."  That is not fashion commentary ... that is bodyshaming. Pure and simple. And we don't need it.

I must confess, however, that I don't actually practice what I preach.  The only difference is my comments are rarely out loud and they're never directed at other people.

I haven't owned or worn a bikini since I was probably four years old.  In fact, there was a solid six-year gap where I didn't even own a bathing suit at all.  Why not? I didn't feel like it was a worthy investment because I knew I wouldn't wear it in public.  "No one wants to see this," I told myself.

And I'm still telling myself that.  But I'm trying not to.  It's a tough battle.  But I'm determined to win. Someday.

Step one is that battle is coming up in the next few weeks. As I've mentioned on here a few times, I'm doing a boudoir shoot.

When I first told my friends I wanted to do this, I received some mixed reactions.  A few thought it was cool, but most did not.  There was a lot of "why would you do that?" And I understand that curiosity.  I don't have a significant other (so ... no one to give the photos to).  Also, I'm A LOT less experienced in the bedroom than most of my friends, so I think they just don't think of me as sexy or sexual in any way.  Hearing I wanted to be photographed while wearing next to nothing was weird to them.

OK. I get it, I guess. I mean, it kind of hurts, but ... I get it.

But you know what?

The shoot isn't about sex. The shoot isn't about some guy.

It's about feeling comfortable in my own skin --- something I really need. It's about me.

I'm excited about it and nervous all at the same time.

I still have those same thoughts plaguing my mind:
"Who wants to see this?" 
"If I could only lose a little in this area ..."
"If only my skin didn't bunch like this."

I don't expect this shoot to be some magic experience that suddenly makes me accept my body as it is, but I do think it's a step in the right direction. 

Until I love who I am, I know no one else can either. I think I'm worthy of having someone love me, but first I need to convince myself that I'm worthy of my own love.  It's not as easy as a few quotes on Pinterest or even some kind words from other people.  It's a battle ... one I've been fighting for a long time, but like I said earlier, I'll keep on fighting it.


7 comments:

  1. Sidenote: I love that people are posting things from Upworthy because I know the girl who started the social media part of that :) Makes me proud of her!! And that site is awesome.

    Ok, so, like you, I haven't worn a bikini in years. I finally broke down 2 years ago before I visited my best friend in Florida and bought one, but it's a tankini with a little skirt instead of a true bikini. I am not really ashamed of my body, I just don't feel comfortable having my size 10 thighs exposed to the world like I'm just wearing my undies. It's just not me. On that same note, I'm looking into getting a nice one piece for this summer because I just really want one and it almost seems sexier to me to be wearing a one piece and showing a little modesty. Maybe. I still want to rock a good bikini someday....

    I think it is AWESOME you are doing a boudoir shoot! I admire your guts to be that vulnerable in front of a camera. Even if you never share those pictures with anyone, this has to be such a boost to your confidence :) You are beautiful, Micah, and I KNOW that a man out there is worthy of your love!! I think this shoot is a step in that direction.

    P.S. Do you follow 'be.you.ty project' on Facebook? I'm a founding member of our movement and it's all about encouraging women to see the true beauty inside of them. A lot of it is focused through God, but I highly recommend liking it on Facebook because we really just encourage women to LOVE themselves!!! :)

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  2. I've wanted to do a boudoir shoot too! Just to help me feel more comfortable in my own skin!

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  3. I think that's awesome about the boudoir shoot. Go for it!

    I rarely wear a bikini without something over it. I've never posted pictures and I never will. I've just never been comfortable in one. I think there's nothing wrong with a cute one piece. They're just expensive!

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  4. you're gonna LOVE your shoot! they make you feel beautiful, and when you get your pictures, it really is SO great looking at them. It definitely upped my confidence level thats for sure.

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  5. I love it. If it makes you happy, go for it!

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  6. I've talked about it before on the 'ole blog but there is something seriously liberating about stepping in front of the camera, even if you are only doing it for yourself. Enjoy yourself during the photoshoot!

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