Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Keeping to myself

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I've realized recently -- more than ever -- that I keep a lot to myself.  Especially when it comes to what's bothering me. Why?  Well, I think there are a lot of reasons.

For one thing, I don't like being a burden to other people.  I don't like asking for help or asking for anything really.  Even though I love it when people ask me for help, and I never turn down an opportunity to listen to someone else's problems, I rarely let the tables be turned.

Secondly, sometimes I don't know how to describe what I'm thinking or feeling.  This is probably a weird confession from a so-called writer, but it's true.  I'm plenty good with words ... as long as they're not about me.  But once I have to turn the microscope on myself, it becomes much harder to communicate.

Third, I don't feel like anyone really wants to listen.  Recently, I've had a few situations where I wanted to complain or vent to someone.  Each time, I was met with explanations about how the problem was my own fault, how it could be worse, or why it was just plain silly for me to think that way.  Maybe these were all logical responses, but they weren't what I needed at the time.  I just needed someone to listen and validate what I was feeling (even if they thought it was my fault, petty, or ridiculous).

Regardless, I have become decidedly more shut down.  Which has caused a backlog of frustration, anger, and a lot of other feelings I can't categorize right now.  I have a feeling I'm going to blow up soon, and I'm a little concerned about what form that explosion will take.  I've already had a few minor meltdowns (read: really good cries), but I still feel like there's a lot left unresolved, and I really don't know what else to do.

What do you do when it seems like no one wants to listen?




4 comments:

  1. I do the same thing! When I feel like no one really wants to listen, I journal it all out. Bc then I at least got it out, even if no one else ever reads it.

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  2. That's what I pay my therapist for. ;-)

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  3. I'm the exact same way-- I feel like I don't want to bother my friends with my problems. I'd much rather hear about their drama than to talk about mine. Fortunately, I'm usually able to work things out in my own head, but I've had explosions like you're talking about too. I hate that none of your friends make you feel like you're welcome to share your struggles! Sometimes when I'm really struggling, I write a fake letter to whoever is causing my stress and just get it all out. And if it's not a person, then just write it out in a journal. Anything that helps you get it out. And honestly, a counselor is always a great resource. I've had friends who resisted going for so long, but ended up loving it and wish they had gone sooner. Praying for you, Micah!

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  4. I absolutely agree. I keep so much to myself because of the burden thing--I just don't want to burden others with my problems or frustrations. I actually write a lot of blog posts but keep them in draft and usually delete them when I get over whatever was bothering me. It's a good outlet. I also just don't want people to judge me or pity me for whatever reason. I'm not weak but I don't want to be viewed that way. And in the case where someone turned the tables on you and said it might be YOUR fault...well...that's maybe not a person you need to be talking to. I'm not saying find friends who will tell you positive things ALL the time, but friends shouldn't bring you down like that. Reality is a tricky thing, but you don't need the blunt truth from a close friend if they're going to hurt you with it.

    So, for me, writing is good to get it out, or I will vent to my best friend via text and she knows she doesn't have to respond, I just need to text it to someone. Typically if I write it down or talk it out in my head or in my car or somewhere no one else can hear, I can let it go a lot easier.

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