Too much time, too many thoughts

I try to be diligent about writing in this space five or six days a week.  It's not that difficult, honestly.  Most of the time, I can easily find something I want to say or share.  Yesterday, I was radio silent here ... and most everywhere on the web.  It wasn't intentional, but I think it was best.

I didn't skip the post because I had nothing to say. I actually think it's because I had too much to say.  All this downtime during my PTO has been nice for the introvert in me who needed some recovery time.  But something else emerged in all the silence.  Something that stole the peace I seem to always be chasing.  Sometimes I find it and get to enjoy it for a little while, but then it goes away again. 

So what is this "something"?

I don't really know what name to give it.  It's a lot of things -- fears, insecurities, self-doubt, and all kinds of thing that are negative and rarely productive.

Obviously, I know these things are of my own creation.  And you would think that I would know how to defeat the monsters I create, but I don't.  Especially not when those thoughts beat the confidence out of me and surface as tearful outbursts and a jumble of words I can't expect anyone to understand. 

Most of this time has been spent in solitude, so I didn't have to subject anyone to this side of me.  Well, almost.  A few of my friends may have caught the worst of it.  And somehow they were the right ones.  They didn't insist that I was wrong to feel how I felt or tell me how it could be worse.  They didn't shut me out. They listened patiently. They let me be me --- even if it's not the best version of me. 

I don't like this version of me very much, so I don't imagine others do either.  It doesn't come out very often, but I have yet to chase it away completely.  Maybe I never will.  But I know I have work to do.  I probably always will. 

I posted this on my Facebook wall last night because it really summed up what was going through my mind.

I'm a constant work-in-progress ... but I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't mean I'm broken or unlovable. 

Sorry for the heaviness today.  I promise I'll be back with gifs and silly confessions next Wednesday.