This is why I don't date now

Last week, I stumbled across two articles on dating.  They were posted by friends who are far more active in the dating world than I am.  I retired from that scene last year.  And these articles kind of explain why.

This Is How We Date Now:

We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text.  

In short, the article illustrates the ways social media and technology have affected our relationships. There's too much texting and way too much temptation to compare ourselves to the "I have the best man/woman in the world" posts and heart-framed instagram photos.

It all looks nice, but it's not real. It's not fulfilling.

And then there's this article, entitled "No, I Don't Date. Here's Why."

I don't hate dating, though, just what it's become -- online window-shopping or swiping of profiles that say nothing about a person beyond the fact that they like wearing jeans but also dressing up, going out or staying home for a quiet night. Mountains or beach? Both! ... I've also come to realize that online dating is, for me, a miserable means to a questionable end. Maybe marriage will happen; maybe it won't. But it's not a goal. I don't feel a need to make it happen.

Amen.   

I did the online dating thing for the better part of twelve years.  That's more than a decade of browsing profiles, going on first dates (and sometimes, occasionally, second dates), being stood up, and hearing "you're a great girl, but ..."  It's exhausting, and I don't think it's productive at all.

I've also tried to meet guys "organically."  I even asked some of them out.

All of my efforts have resulted in nothing.

Needless to say, I'm completely disillusioned with today's dating practices and quite honestly don't feel like it's worth the effort.

That's why I quit. I just don't think I'm built for it. It's not that I don't want to find someone. I do.  I just no longer feel like it's possible to find what I want. Not in the parameters of how dating works today.  I don't think it's a good setting for finding something meaningful and lasting.

Oh, and I've heard all the dating anecdotes out there.  

You can tell me dating is a numbers game.  I'll tell you I'm not good at games. And I don't think love should be a game.

You can tell me I have to put myself out there. I'll tell you I'm not hiding from love, but I'm just not actively chasing it.  Trust me, I'm not sitting in my apartment, praying Mr. Right will knock on my door, but I'm also not browsing for him online in the same manner I look for shoes.

You can tell me I'll find him when I least expect it.  I'll tell you that's a nice sentiment and that he should be along anytime now because I no longer expect to find it at all.

You can tell me I should be trying harder or I'll end up alone.  I'll tell you I have tried harder in the past, and I'm still alone. Plus, I'm not convinced that being in a relationship guarantees you'll never be alone.

You can tell me I'm too picky and I need to be more open.  I'll tell you I think my standards are very realistic, and I won't apologize for holding out for someone/something that reaches them.  I'd rather be alone than settle.

Another snippet from the article:

We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the fuck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.

Yet, this is not how we date now. This is not how we love now.

This is why I'm not dating now.