Wednesday, September 2, 2015

How to lose my trust

A few nights ago, I was thinking about my closest friendships.

Who are the people I can tell anything?
Who are the people I could call at anytime for help or just to talk?
Who are the people who offer me love without judgment?
Who are the people who believe in me?

The list is a rather small one. I actually think they can be counted on one hand. It seems the older I get, the fewer people I trust.  I don't know if this is actually due to age or if it's the result of some of my experiences.  It's probably both, to be honest.  

As I get older, I think I've grown wiser about who is trustworthy and who is not.  And I also experience things that I am not willing to share with just anyone.  I've come to realize not everyone is my friend or even friendly.

In the last decade or so, I've had my trust shattered plenty of times. I'm still friends with some of those people, but I've certainly pulled back.  I suppose it's fairer to say some of them are still acquaintances, but they're not people I trust with all my thoughts and problems.

Here are some easy ways to lose my trust:

... lie to me.  About little things, big things, it doesn't matter.  If I catch you in a lie, I'm going to wonder what else you've lied about.

... be condescending.  I'm sure you know things I don't know, but there's no reason to talk to me like I'm stupid. I'm not.

... discount my feelings. I'm emotional, I know that. You don't have to understand my feelings, but if you tell me I should or shouldn't feel a certain way, you're out.

... degrade me. In the past six months, I've had friends comment negatively on my appearance and also tell me a guy I liked was "not in [my] league." There's a difference between being honest and being tactless. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd prefer my friends think I'm pretty awesome.

I wasn't always good at cutting the untrustworthy out of my life, but I'm getting better.  Maybe it's because I'm learning how to stand up for myself. Or maybe I've just decided I don't have time or energy for the BS.


  1. You've had friends actually say those things to you? That's horrible.

    In my adult life, I don't think I've honestly ever even thought any of those things about a real friend. Maybe a few acquaintances, but not any of my friends. I adore them and just want them to know how amazing they are.

    I'm 100% with you on how to lose trust. Especially the lying. I can't stand lying. If I catch someone in a lie, I never believe them after that. I just assume everything they say is a lie. It's probably not good on my part, but I just can't help it.

  2. It largely seems to come down to a lack of respect. Any true friend who respects you wouldn't do anything you listed above. That's NOT cool. Sucks you've had to go through this, but I definitely don't think you're alone. The older you get, the less time and energy you have for this dumb stuff. For sure. Glad that you have some awesome people though, that's what matters :)

  3. Thank you for writing a lot of what I've felt over the past few years. I apologize from the bottom of my heart that you've had to go through that. I have nothing more profound to say (I'm sorry!) than it totally sucks and you aren't alone.

  4. I have found that as we get older, we find that good friendships are based on quality of friends not quantity of friends. I think it's an important life lesson. I have learned that I have a few very close people with whom I will share ANYTHING. That's the "inner circle." Then it goes out from there: friends with whom I can share most things, people I enjoy spending time with, acquaintances.....I think it's good that not everyone knows all of your business all the time.


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