Struggle and failure

I saw this quote somewhere on Facebook a few weeks ago and it spoke to me. Loudly.

I shared the quote on Instagram and Facebook. Based on the response, I wasn't the only one who needed that message.

For the past few months, I've been fighting an overwhelming sense of failure. I hate the fact that I have so much debt. Stupid debt too. Not just student loans and a mortgage. Credit card debt. I reiterate -- stupid debt. Debt I incurred for wanting things I couldn't afford and deciding I needed them enough to spend money I didn't have.

This debt is the reason I have a second job, working 15-20 hours a week beyond my full-time job. It's the reason I don't have much downtime. It's the reason I don't see my friends as often as I'd like (because my schedule is insane and unpredictable). It's the reason I have to deal with drama from teenagers and people who don't really want to work. If you can't tell, I'm really angry about having a second job. I look around at my friends, who all seem to get by on just one job. Why can't I? Why am I such a failure at adulating? There have even been a few (at least three) crying meltdowns. And I have no one to blame except myself. I'm the one who put myself in this position. I'm the one who opened the credit accounts and spent money like I'd never have to pay it back (spoiler alert: I do ... with lots of interest).

A few different friends have helped talk me back from the ledge and my pity parties on this matter.

One used her financial planning skills to help me form a plan. I gave her all my numbers and she gave me a budget -- completely spelled out in excel sheets -- of what to pay on each thing each month. If I follow it, I will be completely debt-free (except for my mortgage) by spring 2020. Having this plan helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have to have a second job for roughly another year. While that often feels very far off, at least there is an end date. That gives me some peace.

Another pointed out to me that there are a lot of people in my position but the difference is that I'm doing something about it. She said there are people who get in debt and just keep on that track without ever acknowledging it or trying to better their situation. She pointed out that while I may not be where I want to be now, I'm at least working to get there. She also reminded me that even the people who seem like they have it all together often have something hidden that they're struggling with. 

I suspect I will fall into these mental pits a few more times before I finish off my debt. I even have them right now as I'm working through my disaster. I feel I'm not doing enough as a friend, a daughter, a wife, etc.

I had a breakdown the other night when I had to turn down lunch with a friend because it didn't fit my schedule. I can't make plans very far in advance because my work schedule usually isn't set in a timely manner. And by the time it is, it seems too late to ask someone to do something. Also, I work a lot of evenings, so on my rare night off, I want to stay home. And I feel bad about that.  I'm a little afraid that I will lose some friendships while I work off debt because I don't have time to spend with them. I guess only time will tell who will still be there.

I don't see my parents as often as I used to for the same reasons listed above. It's just harder to find time to drive the 80 minutes round-trip and spend some time there when I don't have a ton of downtime. And I don't want to make them drive to me all the time either. That doesn't feel fair.

Sometimes when I get home from work, I just want to sit and zone out on social media or get lost in a book. But my husband wants to talk. I try to find a balance, but I still don't feel like I've nailed it. I feel like I'm neglecting that relationship too.

I'm trying to be everything and do everything. And I'm not doing well.

Clearly, I can always find an area where I think I'm failing.

Anyone have advice for shifting these feelings of failure when they sneak in?