I'm perfectly lonely

This song could very well be my anthem.



I know what you're saying ...

(Unless you're one of my many Mayer friends, and then you're saying, "keep it coming.)  But truly, the guy writes songs that feel as though he's been reading my thoughts or my journal (and I know he doesn't have time for that with his touring and man-whoring).  Sometimes he evokes things I didn't even know I was feeling or thinking.  The song that inspired this post is one such song. 

For the past few years, I've been in no rush to give my heart to anyone.  OK, so I know I've whined about wanting to go on more dates and such, but I don't know how much I really wanted that versus just thinking I should want that.  Most of my friends are either married, in relationships or seeking relationships (even if they claim they're not). As I've done most of my life, I tried to tag along and keep up with them, mostly out of fear of being left behind and losing friends who, once in a couple, might decide they only want to hang out with other couples.

Through all the girls nights out, conversations about possible introductions and speed dating events, though, I don't think my heart was really in it. In fact, I'm sure it wasn't.  Let's face it -- I could be dating or have a boyfriend now if I really wanted them.  The fact that I don't says more about me than about what's out there. I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way. I know I'm a quality girl with a lot to offer, and while my belief in that wavers from time to time, I think, in some ways, I've actually kept my best self hidden a bit because I'm not sure I want to be found.

"...I tore out my heart and shut it down..."

Over the last few weeks, I've really come to realize that I don't, in fact, want a relationship.  I like my life as it is.  I have family, friends and two furry children to keep me entertained and loved. I have a job (actually two) that keeps me busy and pays my bills. I have hobbies to occupy my free time and create opportunities to travel and meet new people. What on earth do I need a guy for? I actually think a guy would mess all that up.

"That's the way, that's the way, that's the way that I want it..."

This might sound odd, but I like doing things alone. If I want to show up at the ballpark for batting practice, I can do it.  If I want to drive to Chicago and back in one night for a concert, I can do that.  If I decide I want to go to a movie, I don't have to check with anyone to see if it fits his/her schedule. I also like living alone.  I like knowing what's in the refrigerator.  I like knowing the dishes in the sink are mine.  I like being able to hang my bras on random door knobs to dry.  I like having popcorn for dinner while I watch a DVRed episode of Maury's most explosive paternity results if that's what strikes me.  I like sitting around on a lazy Sunday in my pajamas and watching HGTV and baseball all day long. Having a spouse around would change all this. 

"Nothin' to do, nowhere to be, a simple little kind of free.

Nothin' to do, no one but me, and that's all I need"

There is absolutely no good reason for me to have a boyfriend or a husband. There is nothing I could find in a relationship that can't be achieved by other means.  Absolutely nothing. 

"This is not to say, there never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again." 

I'm not ruling out the possibility that I will change my mind about relationships at some point in the future.  But it'll be for the right person at the right time.  In other words, he's really going to have to win me over and convince me to give up the comforts of singlehood. Until then, I am perfectly happy as I am. I am, as John Clayton Mayer says, perfectly lonely.