Saturday, July 24, 2010

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

"Suppose I said, I am on my best behavior.
There are times I lose my worried mind.
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?"

My love for John Mayer's music is no secret. I've seen the man in concert a dozen times in seven different states. It's not because I want to have his babies either. Quite the opposite, really. I don't find John Mayer attractive, which is why I stated that I love his music.  It speaks to me, sometimes out of the blue.

The song featured here has really become a barometer for how I measure true friendship. I am a water sign and an INFP through and through, which means that while I'm passionately loyal, I can also be very moody. When I feel, I feel very strongly, and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  On some occasions, it has been off-putting, and I have lost people I considered to be friends. In hindsight, I know they really weren't my friends though. They were simply people who passed through my life for one reason or another.

I have unintentionally, and sometimes unknowingly, put my friends to the test with these tendencies. Feeling betrayed or abandoned, I pouted and sent highly-emotional messages.  Feeling jealous, I lashed out and decried their loyalty to me. Many times, I reacted immediately and without thinking. Had I let myself stew over the emotions a time, I may not have come off as such a whiny bitch.  I am working on controlling my moods, but I've also accepted that I am who I am, and there are some things I just can't change without compromising my own sanity and emotional health. If I'm upset, I will not keep it a secret. I used to try and keep things bottled up inside, but the eruptions were inevitable and draining. It simply wasn't worth it.

Fortunately, most of my friends have passed these tests. Those who have known me longest or just seemed to understand me quickly accept my behavior (even if they don't condone it) and just wait it out until I calm down. Or maybe they call me out on it. That's fine too. Depending on who's calling me out, it may be just the remedy I need. Sometimes, I'm just not myself, but as the song says, "I, in time, will come around. I always do."

Last weekend, I overindulged at my birthday celebration, a behavior that is not common practice for me. I have never been the kind of girl who gets trashed every weekend and has to stumble home from the bar. I guess I decided to take a leave of absence from my usual behavior and tie one on as I kicked my twenties to the curb. I ended up sick and passed out in the bar bathroom. It wasn't a wise decision, and I'm still very embarrassed by the whole event. Lucky for me, three of my friends, who had traveled hours to celebrate with me, sat with me in the bathroom, cleaned me up, kept me cooled down and made sure I got home safely. They said they did it because "that's what friends do," but I still feel indebted to them.  Then again, a friend once told me, "real friends don't keep tabs."  So maybe I don't owe them anything, but I am grateful for their friendship and their patience in waiting it out while I was "not myself."

As Walt Whitman said, "I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I do not believe I deserved my friends." I feel like that more often than not, especially with friends like those who cared for me last weekend.  The best part of it all is that they don't just endure my "not myself" moments, they love me in spite of them, if not for them. Everyone should have people in their life with whom they can just be without having to put on any sort of show. I know who those people are in my life.

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