I could not, would not be on "The Bachelorette"

As much as I enjoy watching reality TV shows, I certainly don't dream of being a contestant on any of them.

"Survivor"?  No way. My idea of camping is staying in a hotel with no cable TV or wi-fi.  I wouldn't last a day in the wilderness.

"Big Brother"?  The house they stay in is always pretty cool, but I'm too honest and sensitive for the kind of play needed to survive and win this game. 

"The Amazing Race"?  If I'm going to travel to that many places, I want to be able to enjoy it, not rush through it.

"The Bachelor"? I've been vying for guys in love with someone else all my life, but I'm still not practiced enough for this show.

And let's just forget shows that require some kind of performance talent (singing, dancing, juggling, etc.), mmkay?  I not only lack the necessary skills, but I also have a mild (read: severe) case of stage fright.

Recently, some friends suggested that I apply to be on "The Bachelorette."  They meant it in a flattering way, too.  I believe they truly think I'd enjoy having 25 men compete for my roses (not a euphemism ... I don't think).  To be honest, that could be kind of fun.  Having a stylist and getting to wear gorgeous dresses would be awesome too.  Still, I'm not sure it's for me. I confess I did fill out the online application, but I will not be sending in a video.  It's an interesting concept to me, but not one I'm prepared to take seriously.  I would not be a good fit for the show -- from my perspective or that of the producers.

First of all, I would never get cast for the show ...

Ashley, the current "Bachelorette," is 26. 

Nearly a spinster by some standards.

... I don't have "the look." I have naturally curly ginger-colored hair and I'm short and "compact" (a nice way of saying I'm not thin and probably never will be).  This is not exactly the description for anyone's dream date.  Guys would probably get right back in the limo upon seeing me and instruct the driver to get out of there -- fast. Recently, I also saw someone make a comment about Ashley not being that attractive.  I might not agree with her decisions, but I think she's a pretty girl.  Much prettier than I am, so my face is not going to draw many viewers either. Virtually no one, outside of my circle of friends, would tune in.  ABC's ratings would take a huge nosedive.

... Public speaking is not my forte.  There's a reason I'm in print media and not broadcast -- I need delete, cut/copy/paste to help my words make sense.  I'm not always successful then either, but I'd be worse in audiovisual format. They'd have to pay their editors overtime.

... I'm almost 31.  I'm not certain (and unwilling to do a ton of research), but I think that would be considered "old" for their candidates.  Someone, please correct me if you know the ages of the past "Bachelorettes."


Even if I did have a chance to get cast, I don't think I could handle it ...

... It would be so awkward.  I've been on less than a dozen dates in my entire life (and I'm not sure half of them should be considered dates since he always referred to them as "hanging out" and sometimes brought his friends along).  I have little to no idea how to behave on a date.  Is there a webinar on this somewhere?

... I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection, or even attraction.  I have a hard time even interacting with crushes when friends or family are around.  Especially family.  I can't tell you how many times I've scoped out a hot guy in my brother's bar but knew I could only casually admire from afar because my brother and parents are nearby.  So I can't imagine going on dates and making out with several different guys with millions of people watching.  Ack.

... I may be an open book on here, but that's because I can hide behind a computer screen.  I can't imagine talking about my feelings and thoughts on camera.  It might be liberating and empowering, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the judgement that comes along with it.

... I would need to know much earlier than two dates before a potential proposal if my parents and closest friends approved of my beau.  I'm not saying their opinions override mine, but they are important people in my life.  Also, sometimes I think an outside perspective is good early on to weed out the questionable dudes.  There's no way my friends would have let me pine over someone as douchey as Bentley.  And if I'd cried over him the way Ashley did, I would fully expect to be slapped.

Chris D., I would just give all of the roses to you. 

*blows a kiss*

... I'm more of a one-man woman.  Sure, I've gone through spurts of having more than one crush at a time, but they were merely crushes.  Dating several guys at once is intriguing to me, but only in theory.  In practice, I'd be a complete mess over it.  I'd likely find one guy I liked on the first episode and tell them to cancel the rest of the season. Or maybe after I've chosen the one I like, I'd scope out the others for my single friends -- J.P. and Ben F. would be snatched up in a hurry. What can I say? I'm a giver. You're welcome, friends.


So even though I did apply to be on the show, I don't expect any calls from ABC executives anytime soon.  And I'm OK with that.  I'm open to all kinds of ways to meet potential dates, but I'd rather not share my awkwardness and perhaps bad decisions with the nation.